Helen Otten, my mom, died April 3 at the age of almost 93. I’m posting this in her memory. I’m also reminded of the importance of family.
The twelfth day of Christmas is Jan. 6th–Little Christmas, The Feast of the Magi.
Actually, it’s all the Magi’s fault. They are the ones credited with giving the first gifts.
Based on the number of people in line at the return desks last week, I’d say many people had problems with their gifts. (Actually I could see Mary and Joseph thinking the gold was useful, they could buy a wagon or better donkey, but what were they supposed to do with Frankincense and Myrrh. Myrrh–really????)
I know it is supposed to be the “thought that counts,” but it really is much more. Gifts are a whole cultural phenomenon.
My mother is 89.
Recently she’s had hip replacement surgery and has trouble shopping for herself.
Two months before Christmas she told me she wanted slippers. Slippers it is. I don’t have to guess her gift. And this is great…EXCEPT
Every day for the next month she would call me on the phone (usually at 6 AM because that is when she wakes up and is thinking about slippers) and define what kind of slippers. They had to have rubber soles so she could wear them outside if she wanted. And this is great…EXCEPT
She couldn’t tell me her size. It seems some Large slippers are size 8-9, some Larges are size 9-10. And the manufacture, design, model, production all make a difference.
I went to three different stores and brought her “Pair number one” on Thanksgiving. She didn’t even try them on. Which actually made it easier to exchange them, which is great…EXCEPT
She really wanted black. But none of the stores made black slippers. So, I picked out some navy size 8’s and 9’s and 10’s, and some pink (everything she owns is pink) in a size 8-9, and 9-10. And I figured I’d give her a choice. Which was great…EXCEPT
She decided she wanted slippers that weren’t slip-ons. “Only the devil would make slippers with open backs” and she has had slippers that covered her whole foot, well–her whole life. And, she thinks she has ugly toes, so–none of those slippers with toe cut-outs. So, I boxed up and returned the slippers. And it was great…EXCEPT
The next three stores didn’t have black or whole foot slippers. But they did have navy.
You know where this is going, right?
Yep, I rebought her the same slippers (that she wouldn’t even try on) from the first round. She opened them on Christmas and said they were perfect.
So, it makes you wonder.
Was the gift really about slippers at all?
Grandma and the Thong
The picture above is from a previous Christmas. My sister Martha worked in a lingerie store and gave each of the girl cousins a pair of thongs. They thought they were nice. Certainly something practical they could use. EXCEPT
She also gave one to Grandma.
The gift became an urban legend in our family. It brought down the house.
Even though mom didn’t even recognize the thong as underwear—it was the shared experience with her grandkids that made it the perfect gift.
Which again makes me wonder about gifts.
Aaron’s Christmas Gift and Charity
This Christmas Aaron went to a Christmas Party sponsored by a local non-profit. These are kind folks. Many of the people with severe disabilities are the poorest people in the county and don’t even have family members who can give them gifts. So, this is not only a nice gesture, it is an opportunity for these poor souls to get a little something extra.
This year the non-profit got items donated by local businesses to give as gifts. Over 150 adults with disabilities came to the Christmas Party and Dance.
There are so few recreation opportunities, many of the people put on their best clothes and showed up early. Many more wanted to come, but there was little transportation and they depend on staff–who didn’t want to bother.
At the party, even though they arrived early, there were only chairs for 100 people. So Aaron and Jack, his roommate, had to stand and hold their coats.
Since Aaron has balance problems, and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t sit down (people were guarding their chairs) he started biting his hand and pinching others. Not good behavior at a party.
Their staff person made the sensible decision to leave (even more people were coming in the already over-crowded room). Aaron and Jack were each given a “gift bag” at the exit. Which was nice… EXCEPT
The gift bag had a pair of donated slippers. Yea! I would be laughing too, slippers… EXCEPT
The slippers were size 11.
Aaron wears a size 9.
Now, no one with balance issues is safe wearing a pair of slippers two sizes too big. And, unlike my mother, these slippers were charity—donated. So there was no gift card or receipt, most people had no dutiful daughter, family or staff who cared to make an exchange.
And, Aaron couldn’t understand why anyone would give him slippers he couldn’t use. So he just carried the slippers around the house—making me crazy that good, kind people could be so dumb. After all who is the “intellectually challenged” person here? Did they think they wouldn’t notice the slippers didn’t fit? Or all people wear size 11?
Is “Just getting something to open” the point? Even if they can’t use it?
What is Charity?
If you plan a charitable event and are giving gifts:
Don’t
Don’t just arbitrarily pass out slippers, or coats, or T-shirts with misspelled words.
Don’t give radios with no batteries—because they want to use the radio that minute and staff often won’t be bothered with batteries.
Don’t give them things you couldn’t sell or are broken.
Don’t make your interaction a one-time-event.
Do
Do have a party with chairs and refreshments for everyone.
Do get to know people as individuals
Do think about what YOU would want to get
Do think about normalization, age-appropriate entertainment and gifts.
Do think about transportation and staff and family members
Do consider that the shared experience, like Grandma getting the Thong, may be the best gift ever—no excepts.
Keep Climbing: Onward and Upward
All my best,
Mary
Comments:
Okay, best/worst gift stories? Am I just being an ungrateful jerk? What is the role of charity? Is it appropriate to give broken, torn things to Goodwill/charity? Only 258 shopping days until Christmas????
Love it! You are a wonderful writer. Am sending to all the family.
Thanks Terry. Just don’t tell Grandma 🙂
I remember this one, it is a classic. Funny. Have a wonderful Holiday, Mary!
You are so kind Alison. Have a great holiday in England and eat some plum pudding for us. “God Bless us, every one>”
This story definitely made me smile. In my family a few years ago my grandma was handing out cards with cash in them to all my aunts and uncles, well my grandma forgot to put cash in one of my uncles envelopes. My uncle being polite did not say anything but my cousin eventually did and now its just a big joke in our family.
With the charity gift I guess I can see both view, giving slippers even if to big or small is a gesture and it may be the only thing someone received for christmas. I also see your point if they do not fit in slippers and cannot use them it is impractical.
HI Carley, thanks for you comment. The great things about family is the shared history. Your uncle’s gift (without money) will become a great family story. Let’s hope people give personal gifts to people they know and care about and not just anonymous gifts. It’s tricky.
Mary and Gary
While you both have different situations, you both are caregivers, which can take a toil on oneself. I attended a wonderful session called “Caring Hearts Ministry” to provide as they called it “nuggets of hope” for caregivers.
for more info you can go to:
[email protected] or http://www.karenbuerger.com
My mom (who is always being a caregiver to someone) asked me to attend with her and so I did (not really my thing), but after the session, I realized that I was a form of a caregiver with my students with disabilities.
I hope you can find a bit of hope from all this too, I know I did.
Happy New Year!Great story! I took your advices regarding charity! Thanks!
The concept of charity is tricky. Glad you liked this. I find the best way to give my support is to really get involved and know the charity personally. I’ve been on lots of non-profit boards and that’s the BEST way to really make an impact. Good luck Mariah, hope this new year is great.
Such a great story Mary. The shared experience is the best part about it all, you are right. 🙂 Happy New Year!
we all talk about the thongs–bet your family has some other great stories.
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Welcome Wentzloff, glad you enjoyed this.
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Glad you stopped by. Hope you’ll share more about yourself in the comments.
I just got my access card. So I now can ride the train free. I generally use the regular buses. Thay are more convenient. Plus I can walk part of the way on many trips. This helps with exercise and stress management.
You absolutely right not every one could to this time kind of time consuming travel. Especially here in California where a car isn’t just a mode of transportation. It’s way more it’s there status symbol, sign of adulthood, symbol of freedom and proserity, and the “god” they seem to prefer to worship.
Thank you very much Mary for the compliment.
Have a great day.
Great! Hope the Access card helps.
Mary Thanks you very much I needed to hear that from someone outside the situation. I forgot to say I feel for Tommy when you cross that threshold.
But I’ll remember to look for the small moments and they are very small. The last time I visited her all she could manage was to open her eyes for a brief moment and then drift away wherever her consciousness spends its time these days.
I’m finding out that my transit skills are fairly good as I have to take a train and than two buses to visit her in the current regular hospital were she is now. That is good but once this is all over I hope these skills don’t drop off because they are no longer needed to the extreme that they are now.
Ok I’ll get off my soap box now. Well this is an adventure I hope you Tommy and Aaron are having better ones then me. Keep up the great writing.
Hi Gary,
A train and two busses, wow! That’s a lot. Be proud man–not everyone could manage that.
Just wondering if there are any staff who work in the hospital who live close to you. Maybe you could ask around. Then maybe you could meet them somewhere convenient to their house.
Do you take regular transportation, or do you take some sort of Access (that’s what they call it in our area) transportation designated only for people w/disabilities?
Thank for the good wishes Mary. I wouldn’t call a good Christmas for mom. She is struggling with one thing and another. I’m learning how many kinds of hopsitals there really are. She is going to transfer yet again only this time to a “Long Term Acute(as opposed to post acute) care hospital.
Well I hope you, Aaron, and Tom’s family had a good time. catch you soon.
Gary, you are being a great son and support to your mom. So that is Good and something to celebrate. I’m sorry this is so difficult, just try and find some small joy.
Mary Your mother sounds a bit like my mom. EXCEPT!! It usually involved things she wanted for groceries. Particular ingredients for a recipe she saw in one of her magazines. As big a pain as this could be those days are long gone and will never return. She stopped cooking when she first entered a nursing home Six very long years ago.
Your story reminds me of how different Gifting can be. In the Pacific Northwest the Indians of this region ofen had a contest to see who could give away the most stuff. Your worth as a person was not based on how much stuff you hoarded but on how much you could give away. It sometimes got so extreme that if a person or family couldn’t be found for an item it was burned or tossed into the ocean.
But I agree with you it is the light that shines from the person receiving a gift. A great example was when Maria graduated from the high school program some five years ago. I got her a kit for beading and a Dora reading book. She lit up with joy and I am glad made her day. Have no idea if she ever got to use these items or not. I even made sure that the book was bilingual so her parents had no excuses not to work with her.
the beading kit took me several stores to find something that had large enough beads that she could work with and such. I remember how much she liked beading when our class had to use a daycare room for students with toddlers and babies one summer. She thoroughly loved the activity.
Well I hope those that organized the party learned something so that the next time they attempt such a thing it goes better.
Have a great year Mary.
Hope you and your mom had a good Christmas Gary. I know it has been a struggle all year.
It’s funny how mothers are mothers. I’ll probably be just like her some day. Only I hope I remember how it feels. Of course, I’ll only have one son to run around, not 4 kids.
You make a great point about the joy of giving. That IS where the pleasure is. And when you find that perfect gift–it does feel wonderful.
Have a great year Gary. I’ll be sending good thoughts toward you and your mother.
You are right Alison. There is nothing like watching a person light up when you’ve given them the perfect gift.
I’m probably was too hard on my mom. She is lonely and that is why she runs us so much. She did light up, in fact the whole room sent off lightning bolts when she got the thong–that is why it was such a great gift.
Bet you and your family had an amazing Christmas. And their reactions are “gifts” to remember always.
Well, I don’t know if you’re being ungrateful or not. Your mother does sound impossible though.
My best gift is always seeing the light in their eyes and little jump the boys do when they are delighted by a present. I’ve got several of those ingrained in my memory. I think being a little disappointed is also a valuable lesson for the young ones. And that has happened occasionally.