Part 1
Going to the family reunion, or not?
My cousin rented her local swim club and invited all 26 cousins and their families for our annual family reunion. She scheduled it on a Saturday when many of my cousins would be in town. She is working hard to keep our large family together and give our children and grandchildren some of the same fun family times we had when we were growing up. Cousin Terri is offering a gift to our family.
So, will we go, or not?
Even though our oldest son Aaron has the label of autism and developmental disabilities, we try to include him in all our family activities. Now that he is in his forties, we have gotten pretty good at the extra planning and preparation to make sure all turns out well.
Today I want to focus on “ecological assessment”. Drs. Lou Brown, Alison Ford, Anne Donnellan et al. from the University of Wisconsin–Madison introduced this concept years ago and it has made a huge difference in how I look at the world. I’m not using their fancy checklists but I’m hoping to show how to analyze and plan for our visit– in this case, Terri’s local swim club.
Ecological Assessment with Commentary:
We can’t assume all swim clubs are alike. We have to access this one particular swim club. But we can compare/contrast it to Aaron’s past experiences.
We have been to this swim club before, if we hadn’t, we would have gone a couple of days before and scouted it out. Most people don’t like surprises or change. It’s not a coincidence that major chain stores like Target or Walmart are all laid out the same way. Each of us likes to know the lay-of-the-land. There is comfort in familiarity and that helps reduce our stress in any environment.
Terri’s swim club is about twenty years old. You’ve seen hundreds like it. The swim lanes, the three lifeguards, the signs telling the kids not to run… It is the same swimming pool our family enjoyed when we were teeny-boppers dripping Popsicles and walking around hoping our swimsuits didn’t make us look fat. (Oh, to only be as “fat” as I was when I was 12.) There are no steps and they have a ramp into the pool. (Thank you ADA.)
Swimming:
Aaron likes the water and is a pretty good swimmer. He started aquatic therapy when an infant to relax his muscles. My husband Tom will be in the water with him one-on-one. His cousins will be in the pool, so they will be aware of Aaron and add an extra layer of safety from stray beach balls.
Aaron has red hair, fair skin, freckles and if we lather him with sunscreen and he wears a t-shirt in the water he will be protected from burning. Past experiences predict Aaron will probably only stay in the water for about a half hour or so. The exercise will be wonderful for him and he will sleep well. Because Aaron swims with his mouth open, he probably will swallow some water and wet the bed. We’ll make sure he gets to the bathroom at night and we’ll use a mattress pad protector just in case.
Restroom:
The swim club has two separate restrooms and changing facilities. They have shower curtain dividers who Aaron and I will both fit. It is a typical swim club restroom, so I might have to bring in a chair so Aaron could sit down. I could change him and then he could go out to Tom while I change. We would bring Aaron in his swimsuit, so we would only have to change him once. We will give him yogurt in the morning and hopefully he will have his BM before we go. I’ll have an extra set of clothes. Aaron has some large plastic pants he will wear under his swimsuit just in case. (They don’t make swim diapers for adults.)
Eating:
Aaron eats most anything so the pot luck buffet will be great. Cousin Ray will grill hamburgers… I will bring a dish that doesn’t require any preparation. I’ll make sure it is in a throw-away container so we won’t have to worry about bringing it home—maybe some frozen fruit cups or fruit-on-skewers so everyone can grab it and not even have to worry about a spoon. Those have been big hits in the past. Or, I’ll get real summer daze lazy and I’ll just go buy some cookies at the grocery. Aaron will need to eat at a table. I’ll bring some folding chairs. We’ll try and feed him close to his usual 5:30 mealtime. Between Tom and me, we can cut up his food and make sure he is comfortable. Usually, he sits by Grandma, so we can make sure both of them are okay. He can have one soft drink, and I’ll bring some bottled water.
Behaviors:
We’ll bring some books and his baseball cards and make sure he isn’t too crowded at the table. We’ll make sure Aaron is in a spot where he can watch everyone and everything that is going on. When he seems tired or agitated we’ll leave. Tommy, Aaron’s younger brother will get to enjoy the day and spend time with his cousins, and we’ve arranged he can spend the night with Cousin Kevin if we have to leave early with Aaron. We’ll make sure someone is with him at all times but trade off so we can talk to some of the relatives. If Aaron starts his echolalia of, “You Okay?” or other odd behaviors, it will really be okay, because his cousins know and love Aaron. He is part of the family.
Summary:
This post is to show what an ecological or environmental assessment looks like.
Most parents do the same thing for their babies, their children, their older family members. It’s really not that different–just thinking ahead, planning and being prepared.
If we really want Aunt Lizzie or Great Grandma Stella to come to the family reunion, there are little things we gladly do to modify the environment and accommodate their needs. For instance, Great Grandma Stella will surely take out her teeth after dinner and they will get misplaced. So we will assign someone to make sure and put them in a safe place. (This is an urban legend in our family.)
Same with Aaron–just add, subtract, and/or change a couple of extra things to make him feel comfortable. Modifications and adaptations are for everyone.
We still haven’t decided if we’re going to the family reunion or not.
Part 2 will look at the family reunion through the eyes of Social Systems Theory (don’t worry, it’s not as boring as it sounds). https://climbingeverymountain.com/going-to-the-family-reunion-or-not-part-2-the-circles-of-life/
In the comments below share some of the modifications and accommodations your family uses to make sure the oldest, the youngest and all the relatives in-between have their needs met at a family reunion?
Going to the Family Reunion, or not? Part 1 first appeared on my Climbing Every Mountain blog. It is the first of three parts.
Mary,
This article was very inspiring to me and it brought up the point that we may all look different and live different lives, but ultimately we are all the same. I know that it is very difficult for me to go outside of the familiarity of my own routine, so I can definitely relate to Aaron.
Although vacations are a lot of fun, they can cause a lot of stress as well. I know how much planning goes in to organizing my own family vacations and it really stresses my mother out. That is why we started doing our vacations where we pick a date, but do not pick a location. We just pick a direction and drive until we find somewhere we would like to stop. It is so much fun and my family has created a lot of memories that way!
You are such a great mother to Aaron and I think that it is inspiring to read all these stories about how you are able to take such great care of him. I hope that I can be even half as good of a mother, as you are to Aaron someday!
Hi Emily,
Your comment shows you are very thoughtful and sensitive. I’m sure you’ll be a GREAT mother.
I like your idea for vacations being spontaneous. I’ll have to try that some time. Mary
This was very moving. It shows how much you have to go the extra mile just to allow your son to do what every other kid does. It is truly inspiring.
Thanks Lisa, you do what you need to do. That’s the bottom line.
This article was very insightful and inspiring. I knew that it took a great amount of work to care for your son, but I was not aware that you did all of that preparation. It is amazing what people will do for the ones they love, and to you it might not seem as much work. I am glad to see that your son gets treated greatly.
Hi Drew,
You do what you need to do. Someday you’ll have someone who is depending on you and you’ll be doing the same thing. The difference with Aaron is the “intensity, duration and frequency” and it is for a lifetime. But Aaron is worth it, and you’ll go the extra mile for those you love too (both the young and old). It’s all part of that circle of life.
Yes, it may seem like much when you type out what you do to make sure your love one or love one’s are comfortable, but it becomes so natural after while. I find myself planning ahead with my five year old before an outing cause it keeps me prepared for the what ifs and general things that could pop up along the way that I may or have not thought of. It’s all about trial and error overtime we develop a system that works for all parties and everyone is happy. This was really insightful I really take value in those who nurture and care for others in the manner in which you described how you and your husband took turns to make sure Aaron was included in the family activities I love it and tip my hat off to you because you truly are a wonderful mom and woman.
Thanks Davin. I wish you were one of the administrators–they often don’t like me so much 🙂 But you’re right, it is all about preparing for the “What ifs?” and a series of trial and error as you figure out what works for your child and your family. I’m sure your child and sister benefit from your love and careful planning. I’ll bet you’re a great mom too.
This is very interesting, Mary. I see how I would do this kind of thing when my kids were little. And now I advise people to do the same when they are eating paleo but going into a non-paleo environment.
To those of us who are planners, organizers, analytical types, it is second nature to go through the process, especially once we have had a few bad experiences and know that things can turn out so much better if we do. I find for others it requires a completely different paradigm and mindset, one they may struggle to establish, but find life works so much better for them if they can make the switch.
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